Skopje, 5 July 2026 (MIA) — In part two of our conversation with Serbian psychologist, psychotherapist and co-founder of the Beautiful Minds Institute Jelena Stanivuković, we are focusing on relationship dynamics, marriage and the challenges of living in a digital world.

Stanivuković, the author of the popular "Partnerology" concept, explains how men and women handle conflict differently. She explains why a healthy family doesn't require partners who think the same but partners who understand each other's different views. She also warns against throwing around casual armchair diagnoses on social media and against asking AI algorithms for life-saving solution. Through her message that “love is a crucial pillar, but it can't be the entire house,” she shows us how to build personal stability and set healthy boundaries.

What follows are expert insights into how men and women act differently under stress, why saying “This is how I am” is just an excuse, and the dangers of instant online diagnoses and AI therapy.

Male and female psychology in partnerships and family

Are there differences in how men and women process emotions and stress? How can two so different natures build a good marriage and a functional family?

Men and women often experience, process and express emotions differently, but we shouldn't draw a hard line between the genders. Not all men are emotionally withdrawn and not all women are open books. These differences are usually less biologically predetermined and more due to a person’s upbringing, socialization and individual traits.

From a young age, girls are often encouraged to talk about feelings and relationships and closeness whereas boys are taught to be tough, rational and hide their vulnerability. Also, throughout history and in our culture, women have focused more on relationships and family dynamics. Men have focused on work, achievement and providing financial security. As a result, women tend to notice relationship problems sooner and want to talk about them and men often try to reduce tension by withdrawing, staying silent or looking for practical solutions. Of course, these aren't general rules, but they common patterns we see in practice.

In a relationship, it can look like this: one person wants to talk right away, the other retreats. One wants to hash things out, the other wants peace and quiet. One views the withdrawal as coldness, the other views the conversation as an attack. At that point the argument stops being about the actual issue and becomes about their different ways of coping with stress.

A functional marriage does not require partners to be the same, but to learn to understand how they experience, process and express emotions. A different relational style is not a sign our partner doesn’t love us, respect us or understand us. Sometimes the person who shuts down is not running away from the relationship but is trying to calm down. Sometimes the person who wants to talk does is not attacking but trying to regain a sense of safety and closeness.

Maturity in a relationship begins when we stop automatically translating our partner’s differences as rejection. Instead of thinking, “If they loved me, they would talk to me now,” or, “If they respected me, they would back off,” it is important to ask ourselves, “How does my partner handle stress? What are they feeling right now? What helps them calm down, and what helps me feel safe?” When a couple recognizes these differences, conflict stops being a fight to prove who is right or wrong and becomes a chance for two people to learn how to stay connected even when they don’t react the same way.

How do men and women react during fights? How can we align our communication styles to avoid destructive arguments?

There is no single "male" or "female" way to argue. It's much more helpful to look at how different people manage stress and closeness.

In a conflict, some people turn up the pressure: they want answers right away, keep asking questions and seeking reassurance. Others shut down: they go quiet, walk away, change the subject or say, "I can't deal with this right now." You also see couples where both partners escalate the tension, causing explosive fights, or couples where both people pull back, meaning the problem is swept under the rug.

The trouble starts when both partners misinterpret the other's coping style as a sign of disrespect or rejection. The partner who pushes for a conversation usually isn't trying to fight; they're just trying to ease their anxiety. The partner who walks away usually isn't trying to provoke an argument; they're trying to reduce uncertainty. When both people fight for safety in immature ways — one through pressure, the other through distancing — the relationship gets trapped in a vicious cycle.

That is why couples need to set ground rules before a fight happens, not in the heat of the moment. If you feel overwhelmed, it's completely fine to ask for a time-out, but you must tell your partner when you will resume the talk. There is a big difference between saying, "I don't feel like talking," and, "I need 30 minutes to cool off, and then I want to finish this conversation." Also, forcing a conversation when your partner is unable to listen is never productive. Walking away without coming back feels like abandonment, but forcing a conversation without giving each other some space usually turns into an assault.

The goal is to recognize your own patterns and admit: "When I'm anxious, I push harder," or, "When I'm overwhelmed, I shut down." Only then can you stop reacting on autopilot and start having actual conversations where you stay connected, even when you disagree.

You recommend the "90-second rule" to calm down anger. How can busy, stressed-out people actually use this in real life?

The 90-second rule does not mean that anger will disappear in a minute and a half. It means that the initial physical surge of an emotion will naturally peak and fade pretty quickly as long as you stop feeding it with angry thoughts. The problem is that we keep the anger alive by repeating thoughts in our heads, like: "How dare you?" "He always does this!" or "Now I'm going to show him/her."

To use this rule, start with one simple step: don't react instantly. Don't send a text while you're furious, and don't make decisions while your body is still in fight-or-flight mode. Pause, take a breath, feel your feet on the ground, lower your voice, grab a glass of water or step out of the room for a moment.

The most important thing is to create space between the impulse and the reaction. This is not about suppressing your emotions, but managing them responsibly.

How does passive aggression or silent tension between parents affect kids, even if you try to keep up appearances?

Kids can sense far more than parents realize. Just because you aren't screaming at each other doesn't mean your child doesn't feel the tension. They notice the looks, the silence, the cold shoulders, the sarcasm, the lack of physical affection and the way one parent leaves the room when the other walks in. Children don't need to understand the problem to sense the atmosphere.

Passive aggression is especially confusing to a child because it appears peaceful on the outside, but carries hostility on the inside. The child sees that “no one is yelling,” but feels that something is wrong, which often makes them doubt their own gut instincts. They learn that you shouldn't talk about problems openly, that anger should be hidden, that connection can be faked, and that being upset results in punishing someone with the silent treatment.

Creating a safe environment for children doesn't mean that the home has to be completely conflict-free. It's far more important that they watch conflicts get resolved in a healthy way — without fear, humiliation and manipulation.

You criticize the phrase "that's just how I am" as a sign of emotional immaturity. How can families break past this shield of fake authenticity and encourage a partner to change their behavior?

People often use the excuse "that's just how I am" to avoid responsibility for their actions. Sure, we all have our own temperaments, habits, wounds, patterns and habits, but that doesn't mean our bad behavior is set in stone. True authenticity isn't saying, "I'm going to do whatever I want and you just have to accept me." It means saying, "I understand who I am, but I also understand how my actions affect the people I love."

When addressing this at home, stop attacking your partner's character, because that just makes them defensive. Instead of saying, "You're so selfish," it’s better to say, "When you go out without considering me and leave me with all the chores, I feel ignored and overwhelmed. We need to coordinate better."

But you can't force an adult to change if they don't want to. What you can do is state clearly what is bothering you, what you need, and what will happen if things don't change. Real change isn't inspired by endless explanations and patience but by clear boundaries.

But we cannot force an adult to change if they themselves do not see a reason for change. We can clearly say what bothers us, what we need, and what the consequences are if nothing changes. Change is not encouraged by endless explanations and patience, but by clear boundaries.

Social networks and modern-era illusions

People on social media throw around clinical labels like "narcissist" or "psychopath" for every bad relationship experience. What’s the harm in this trivialization of psychology?

It causes a lot of harm because serious medical terms are being turned into labels for anyone who has hurt us or who has let us down. Nowadays, if someone is selfish, they're labeled a "narcissist." If they lie, they're a "psychopath" and if they pull away, they're an "emotionally unavailable manipulator." To be clear, toxic and manipulative relationships do exist. But every inconsiderate action or behavior we don't like is not necessarily due to a diagnosis.

The problem with labels is that they often serve as an excuse to deny our own responsibility. When we label someone a narcissist, you don't have to look at what actually went wrong, where your own boundaries failed, why you tolerated it, or what lessons you can learn from it. The label provides short-term relief because the world becomes simple: I am the victim, the other person has a disorder. But human relationships are rarely that simple.

Why are you so against using AI as a replacement for a real therapist? What is the biggest risk?

AI can be a great tool, but you have to know what you're using it for and how it works. There is a big difference between a standard AI chatbot that isn't trained for mental health support, and a specialized, evidence-based digital tool built to guide you through emotional regulation.

AI can help with self-education, sorting out your thoughts, journaling, naming your feelings, reminding you to breathe, or just helping you figure out what you are experiencing. That is how I see the future of digital mental health tools: not as a therapist replacement, but as extra support between your sessions or as a starting point for learning how to better understand and regulate their emotions.

It’s problematic when people treat a basic AI bot like a therapist. AI can sound convincing but it can make mistakes, hallucinate, misunderstand the context or overlook serious risks. Another problem is that AI tends to act like an echo chamber. Instead of gently challenging your irrational thoughts, avoidance tactics, projections or toxic habits, the bot will often just validate whatever you already think and feel. Psychologically speaking, that doesn't heal you; it just deepens your issues.

Psychotherapy isn't just about getting advice; it's about a human relationship, a process, monitoring, accountability and understanding your whole life context. A therapist doesn't just listen to your words; they read your non-verbal signals, evaluate risk and patterns, relationship history and track your symptom severity. 

There is a saying in psychology that it's the therapeutic relationship that heals, not the method. Because of this, AI should never replace actual therapy, especially when dealing with major depression, trauma, abuse, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, dissociation, psychosis or deep suffering.

You advise against expecting a partner to fill every void in our lives. How do we build and maintain outside pillars of support, like friends and family, in such a disconnected world?

Strong support systems don't just happen by accident; you have to build them on purpose. That means you can't maintain close connections just by liking someone's photos or texting "we need to catch up sometime." You have to actually invest in your friendships: reach out, check in on how they are doing, hang out without needing a special reason, and show up when they're struggling rather than waiting for them to call you first.

It is equally important not to neglect your friends the moment you get into a relationship. A lot of people, especially at the beginning of a relationship, create a closed bubble where their partner becomes their sole source of closeness, fun, support and meaning. It might feel romantic at first, but over time, it places an exhausting burden on the relationship. A healthy relationship shouldn't isolate you from the world. It should give you a secure base to explore the world and connect with others.

In practice, this means keeping your own circle, your own routines, and your own space outside the relationship: getting coffee with friends, regular phone calls with a sibling, trusted coworkers, a community, or hobbies that bring you back to yourself. This isn't saying your partner isn't enough; it's acknowledging that one person shouldn't have to carry the weight of your entire emotional life.

Every now and then, ask yourself: Who do I call when I’m having a hard time, besides my partner? Whom have I neglected lately? Who makes me feel seen, safe and supported? Closeness is built through small, consistent investments over time. Love is an important pillar, but it can't be the whole house.